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The Burns and the Bees, coda

The Burns and the Bees, coda published on 22 Comments on The Burns and the Bees, coda

There will be some bonus material from The Burns and the Bees in a couple weeks! In the meantime, here’s the fallout for Thorn’s sister.

Tansy (thinking): I love scientific conferences in Getsun! Everything is well-organized and easy to find . . . Nothing beats authentic local Getsunese food . . .

. . . and people assume polyamory-by-default, no need to explain.

Attendee: I am “fluent” in Ceannic — I write my own technical papers! But I’m still not good with the language in . . . casual situations.

Tansy: I could take you back to my hotel room and help you “rehearse.”

Attendee: Oh? I like the sound of —


Tansy: Sorry — this is my brother, I need to answer.

Attendee: It’s okay! Family is always important.

Tansy: Thorn! Hi! Yes, my eggs are still on ice. And of course the offer still stands. Are you making plans? I didn’t think Leif —

Just checking, huh? Oh, I knew it would be hard with him, I just didn’t realize it was illegal.

Think about whether you want them screened, okay? For what either kid has. If you ever use them, it should be your choice.

I can’t sign anything right now, I’m at a conference. Yes, actually — trying to get some right now. No, Larch still doesn’t.

All right! See you then. Love you, bro. [BEEP] Now, where were we?

. . . eh?

Attendee: I understood just enough to know that your life sounds too complicated for me.

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It pleases me greatly as an autistic person that the screening comment covers both PAIS and autism in the same breath, with the choice to have and knowledge of having a kid with either being the important part. Thank you. This is what I wish prenatal (pre-conception in this case) testing for disabilities was framed as more often.

ASD, Anxiety, Depression, ADHD, Bipolar, RLS (which is WHOLE DAMN BODY in reality), PTSD, AND RECENTLY ….. ADD. My family and kids family are the veritable “alphabet soup”. The “recently” is my daughter. So much time and emotions for 8 years, pushing the “wrong way” because we were treating her “neurotypical”, and when the light came on recently it was blinding! My son too; I spent 8 infuriating years knowing what was going on, but getting the “you’re just a worried mom” pat on the head before FINALLY getting an official diagnosis. 8 years of being my son’s only therapist and advocate, during which time he came to feel he didn’t deserve to live.(he was 7)

Would I have screened out for these challenges? Nope. My dad, myself, etc are poster child ADHD/ASD high functioning poster kids, so to speak. But to have had a screening, so that my children had the PROPER SUPPORT IMMEDIATELY….. I simply can not say how much that would help. The depression and anxiety and lack of self-worth from ” trying to fly when you were born without wings” is just so prevalent, and a person spends the rest of life trying to recover. Sometimes they even do. But the opportunities not pursued while recovering are lost and gone. New opportunities may arise, I know, but sometimes lost is lost. And, I have more than 1 family member that never “made it”, they BROKE. Life is existence now, and numbness for them seems welcome.

Then there’s the time learning that, (metaphorically ) while you don’t have WINGS you DO have amazing lungs and legs for example, and can RUN like no one around you! Or rather, my kids have skill challenges in some standard areas. The less one has to focus on what they do NOT have, however, the more likely what they DO HAVE is to be seen and encouraged!

So, no. I know what these challenges have also brought – a different perspective, energy to go go go and ACHIEVE Joy or Goals or whatever!, and a sensitivity the world badly needs. So I would not have screened out, I think, because experience and family and all. But to have KNOWN! More importantly, for the MEDICAL community to have known! YES!!!! Testing like this isn’t “life ending” so much as it is “life CHANGING”.

OK. My ramble is done. Thanks all🤗💖😊

It’s a great rant.

I have learned a tremendous amount from my neurodiverse friends, especially my autistic ex-girlfriend and autistic boyfriend. I find it genuinely helpful to have people around who think differently from the way I do. I would hate for them to have not existed and for there to only be neurotypical people in the world.

…Larch still doesn’t what?

At a guess, Larch is cool with Tansy being poly, but is personally monogamous.

I doubt it… if you’re poly and your primary isn’t, you’re not poly.

I’ve tried to write and rewrite this cleverly for like ten minutes.

I cannot believe that, in the beautiful spectrum of human sexuality specifically and interpersonal relationships in general, there’s no such thing as someone whose partner is everything they want, but isn’t everything their partner wants, but they still make it work through through communication.

Generally if you’re not polly, then you’re going to get jealous if your polly partner sleeps around.

I thought I wasn’t going to be prone to jealousy, and I’m not! I don’t act possessive, or get upset when my spouse hangs out with other people or anything like that.

Except the one time my spouse gave someone else a blowjob. We’d established it was OK before hand, but… It hurt me emotionally more than I expected, so we had a discussion about it and rethought our assumptions.

I do not intend to insult your affection for your partner, and apologise if I come across that way. The closest thing to a long-term romantic partner I’ve ever had consist of:
1. A high-school sweetheart(?) who went home with someone else at the Homecoming dance, but insisted on physical affection and using my pockets to keep her hands warm for the 3 months it took me to get over my own timidness and break it off.

2. My best friend with whom I am now strictly platonic.

3. A woman who supported my creative output wholeheartedly… before moving the Cali, vanishing completely and ghosting me for the last four years. (We’re still friends on steam and I can see when she’s playing games, but she doesn’t respond to IMs or Emails.)

What I was trying to express is my wholehearted belief that in the wild, wonderful world of the human psyche, there must be someone, possibly even multiple someones, out there who is so happy that their partner feels fulfilled that it doesn’t even occur to them to be jealous or hurt that their partner is poly while they are happily monogamous.

Maybe there is such a person, maybe there isn’t. But I will say that not everyone will react the way they think they’ll react. For me , it hurt. Far more than I had expected it to. That was the end of that particular experiment.

And, as stated before, we had discussed it both before and after, so it’s not like anything was actually damaged. I just got to learn something about myself and my emotional reactions I hadn’t known.

But I still feel cryey when thinking about it, because it actually really fucking hurt >. <

So what I learned, is that I am, in fact, very prone to jealousy, and that I just trust my partner enough that they can get into situations that would have a normal person upset with jealousy.

Jealousy is interesting.

From my experience as a bisexual polyamorous woman, a lot of male partners experience jealousy at the thought of their girlfriend/wife with another man, but joy at the thought of her with another woman. Which is bizarre to me, because I don’t think of people in terms of what body shape or parts they have.

Due to this jealous response, my husband and I had a few wobbly months when I got together with my boyfriend, because he felt threatened in a way that he never had by any of my girlfriends. Though a straight man, my husband is a feminist and queer ally, and he was absolutely horrified by what he described as his own “caveman” reaction.

Four years later, my husband and boyfriend are as close as two heterosexual male introverts could be. They gang up to tease me, they work together to plan presents for me. And they aren’t jealous of each other sexually at all. This has all taken an awful lot of work and communication, mostly facilitated by me since neither of them are exactly good at talking about their feelings. But it’s been worth it.

Individual people differ enough that it isn’t possible to give a roadmap that will work for everyone. Some people will always find their jealousy insurmountably bad. Some people will be jealous of strangers but not of long-term partners. Some people will be jealous of sexual contact but not of emotional contact, and others are the other way round.

I just tried to leave a comment from my phone and it got eaten. Apologies if you see this twice.

It’s not true that you aren’t in a polyamorous relationship if you’re poly and your primary isn’t. My husband has never had romantic or sexual interest in anyone else and self-defines as monogamous. I, on the other hand, have two other partners. Somehow we have made this work for over 20 years.

First Juniper, now Tansy.. everyone’s life is too complicated for a casual hookup XD

I confess to being a little surprised by that reaction in both cases. For me personally, although it might be daunting to contemplate getting romantically involved with someone whose life seems to be really busy, I wouldn’t think it would matter much for purposes of a casual hookup or even a string of them.

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